In this day of changing mores within society, one thing is shifting which has for so long defined us as men within the family environment, our roles as Head of Household: the primary wage earner, or “Breadwinner”.  Depending on the statistics we look at, women outnumber men in college today by 52%/48% up to 60%/40% margins.  Additionally, it has been reported that women are poised to surpass men in sheer number in the workforce within the year.   The culmination of women’s educational and consequent career achievements along with the current economy, which has hit men harder, (mostly male industries like construction and manufacturing have been most negatively affected) it is increasingly causing a lot of us to redefine our place within the family.

Many of us are not financially matching our partner, who is in a successful career, and thus feel unsure at best about this new dynamic.  So much of what we base our manhood on in the family environment is fueled by the primitive urge to provide and protect.  In our modern day, money does both of these things best.  It isn’t a stretch than to link how much money we bring in and how dependent our family is on that money to how successful we feel in our role as provider.

If we are  unemployed, underemployed, or simply in a career with no real room for growth, our unifying factor, unjustly, is a feeling of shame.  The axiom after all is of the man taking care of the family.  We feel we have let our family down, we are embarrassed of how we feel we must be seen by others, and, perhaps worst of all, we feel we have failed ourselves.

Failure to launch

It is not just the married man or the man in the family environment that is affected by this, but the single man as well.  Popular culture, especially movies, play the rhetoric that there is nothing worse than a grown man living at home with his parents.  It may play for laughs, but we get the underlying message: if you want to get the girl, find happiness and live the American Dream, it will not happen unless you make it on your own.  In general, the battle to find a good career, become more and more successful in it, and stand alone on our own two feet is one that is waged from the moment we leave our teen years behind.

How to successfully adapt to our new situation: redefining being “the man” of the house

In place of feeling upset about the changing landscape of our gender role or unsure of how to make our way in this evolving world, we should be feeling elation at being released from the tight structure of our forefathers.   The reality of men’s existence for so long is an insult to all of us in that we have been reduced to such a one-dimensional aspect as the financial provider, a walking and talking checkbook, really.  How can we move beyond this label as well as restore our lost confidence?  Let’s identify three broad categories that, if we focus on them, will make us stronger and better men, partners, friends, and members of our family, along with being happier too!

1. Expand our resume within the household
   Too much of our existence has solely been to support the household monetarily.  It was and is an important role still for whomever fulfills it, but there needs to be more to us than just this one thing.  Even today, with women working just as much or more than their husbands, they still often account for a disproportionate amount of the housework and child rearing.  It seems on the surface, and certainly at the time when we are getting out of doing the dishes, to be a good deal to us.  In reality, no matter what our partner says, there is resentment because of this and it permeates our entire relationship.What we need to do is take a more active role within the house.  If you don’t know how to cook, you can learn.  Cleaning the bathroom and helping the kids with their homework should not be the domain of our partners solely.  Everything you do will be repaid several fold in the strength it will add to your relationship.

All the day to day necessities should be split depending on how much you and your partner work.  They are called our partners for a reason; we are supposed to be in on things together.  If there is not a division of labor and someone is constantly performing the same task, whether planned that way or not, it is going to breed resentment.  Assessing where needs are, what our strengths are, and taking a more active role in the day to day chores of our relationship is a simple concept.  If you take the time and initiative to get involved you and your partner will both love and respect each other much more.

2. Engage our family
   The biggest benefit of finding ourselves around the house more should be added time available to spend with the family.  If we have children, there can never be enough time to spend with them.  Whether we now have time to coach or be involved otherwise in extra-curricular activities with them, added time to help with the homework, or just opportunities to hang out, this will add immeasurably to our relationships.

Likewise with other family members and friends.  I know I can get caught up in the business of life where I can go way too long without calling or writing my relatives and friends.  If we find we have more time now, we can spend it with those that are important to us.  Our relationships in life in the end are all that matters.  Ever memory of any great moment in life is not of us alone but with family and friends; these thoughts exists because of them.

3. Define ourselves
   Perhaps most appealing to us is the chance to explore our own interests.  Freed of at least some of the burden of financial provider we can take some time to develop our hobbies or even get into a career where our enjoyment, not how much it pays, is the deciding factor.  We might decide to go back to school if that entices us and is feasible.  The point is, without the obligation to just make and bring home money we have a whole new world of possibilities and with freedom and choices comes happiness.

Instead of lamenting and fearing women’s rise in our society, we should be celebrating it.  If we are so luck as to have a partner or spouse that is in a successful career it opens up more opportunities for us.  We now have the ability to do almost anything we want rather than being pidgeon-holed as the financial head of household.  Accepting that we may not be bringing home all or even most of the bacon may be a hard adjustment, but in the end if we gain a more active role in our household, build stronger relationships, and have time to focus on our true interests, I don’t see how that can be anything other than good.