It goes without saying that relationships are work.  The initial euphoria of the beginning of the relationship soon dissipates into the reality of day to day life.  While our reality certainly has plenty of great moments, the familiarity and connection generated with our partner as a result of the time we have spent together can end up making us a little too comfortable; Specifically, we will eventually take each other for granted.

We live mostly in a stressful world, where both ourselves and our partners often work long hours, sometimes on different schedules.  Outside of weekends, if we are lucky, we probably only spend three or four exhausted hours together each night.  I think it fair to say that a majority of us spend these hours unwinding in front of the glow of some sort of screen, blissful to let our minds numb.  Whatever  it is, television, computer, or countless other personal entertainment mediums,  we probably spend more time in their company “existing” rather than actually being with our partners.  Throw children into that mix and, well, I think you can see where this is going.

Communication breakdown and boredom are two reasons that rank in the top ten for why couples end their relationships.  These are easily avoidable I feel by incorporating the following five guidelines into your every day life.

1.  Set Aside Time

This is the most important thing we need to do in order to have a healthy relationship.  It sounds nonsensical and thus would seem to go without saying, but how many of us have a designated time every day that we spend one-on-one time together with our partner with no distractions?!    These two emphasized points, talking daily without distraction, are key.  It does not need to be a huge commitment, as little as a half hour.  It can be over dinner, in bed before turning out the lights, or even just sitting together in each others company.  It cannot be while watching television or around anything else that does not allow us to focus entirely on each other.  The ability to communicate uninterrupted allows us to connect on a meaningful level, which is necessary in order to maintain and strengthen our relationship.

2.  Ask Questions

This is as simple as it sounds.  We need to ask each other pointed questions in our conversations.  “How was your day” is a good start, though generic.  Better is “How did your meeting go with the corporate sponsor” or “What did you think about your bosses reaction to your idea”?  This technique is important to utilize in all aspects of our life, not just with our partners.  Asking pointed questions are great ways to engage people, show them you are interested in what they are doing, makes them feel good that you are showing interest and, as a result, makes people more apt to open up and spark conversation.

3. Listen

The most under appreciated but necessary aspect in a relationship, and again in life in general, is to be able to listen.  Listening is not just hearing what your partner is saying, it is giving them your undivided attention while they are speaking, not glazing over, thinking about something else or what you are going to say next.  It is giving them the opportunity to completely state their thought without interruption.

Who among us hasn’t had the experience of being in the middle of a story, only to realize that the person we are talking to is not at all paying attention to us?  It is a deflating moment as we recognize that what may have been of important to us is not of interest to them.  Any lack of attention we may perceive from somebody we are talking to is going to discourage us from sharing anything further on the topic we are on.

Good listening leads to good conversations.  If we do not truly hear, process, and react to what is said to us, then it is difficult to have a dialogue.  We all have had incidents of people just “talking at us”, where no matter what we say they steer the “conversation” back to themselves or their agenda.  This is a universally unenjoyable experience, the polar opposite of what we want in a relationship, and something that should easily be avoided by utilizing good listening practices.

4.  Go On A Weekly Date

This doesn’t need to be as extravagant as the word date has the tendency to make it sound.  What it really entails is just getting out of the house. Being out somewhere frees you of the distractions talked about earlier that exist in our day to day home life.  It is an opportunity to do something fun together and should be a platform to utilize all of the other four steps in this article.

Taking our partner out on a date also makes them feel important.  It tells them we want to do something nice for them, we want time alone where we can focus solely on them.  If we have children that need a babysitter or other obligations that need to be dealt with in order for us to be able to schedule some time alone together, make the necessary arrangements.  This likewise emphasizes the point of making our partner and our time alone together feel important.

Pick a day out of the week for this date to occur and try to always stay with the same day .  This way it will become part of your normal routine, making it easier to plan around and more likely that you will always follow through on it.  Also, it will give you both something to look forward to each week as the day approaches.

5.  Be Spontaneous

Interpret this as you will into every aspect of your relationship.  The lack of this is the reason people get bored together.  As mentioned, we tend to take each other for granted far too often once we have settled into a long term relationship.  Doing things that aren’t expected: sending your partner flowers at work, surprising them with a weekend trip out of town, bringing them breakfast in bed, are examples.  Basically, treat them like we did when we first started dating!  I’m suggesting doing something on this order once a month on average will keep the relationship fresh and fun.  It will make your partner feel special, letting them know you are interested in them and invested in making them happy.

None of this is difficult or even time consuming.  It also does not need to be much of an expense either assuming you apply yourself creatively.  I believe being conscientious of the 5 categories discussed above - that’s it, just diligently thinking about them in your day to day interactions - will help you implement them as a result.  It will also over time become a natural habit and make you into a stronger and more involved individual within your relationship.

What is the number one cause of death among women?   If the color pink is pervading your thought process along with ribbons, you are not alone.  The very successful campaign that has been waged against Breast Cancer has it front and center in our minds.  The fact is that heart disease is the leading cause of death among both women and men.  Perhaps you knew this, but would you believe that breast cancer, according to the latest numbers available (2005) from the Center for Disease Control, is down at number 7 among the leading cause of death among women?!

Meanwhile, if we were to look at a breakdown of causes of death among men, we would see a similar scenario with prostate cancer replacing breast cancer near the bottom of the top ten causes.  The estimated number of cases of prostate cancer diagnosed in 2008, according to the American Cancer Society, was 186, 320, slightly above the cases of breast cancer: 184, 450.  Since these two types of cancer are fairly even in their numbers affected, and one relates distinctly to women while the other is a men’s issue, why does the focus seem to be so much more on breast cancer?

To answer this, we first should look at the cancer that far and away is the most diagnosed and fatal: lung cancer.  At an estimated 161, 840  deaths in 2008, lung cancer claimed more than three times the number of lives than any other single cancer.  The reason we never hear much about this is that lung cancer is mostly preventable.  Smoking is the number one contributor to it, along with air pollution.  Thus, we see it as the result of lifestyle choices, which does not generate much sympathy and does not garner a lot of attention for it as a result.

Breast cancer on the other hand…need I say anything?  As it attacks what physically is distinctly women’s most definable part, it is not hard to see why the cause has garnered such a following.  What man among us has not donated either money or time to fund raising for breast cancer, either out of respect for the cause or at the request of family or friends?

Why prostate cancer does not receive the attention it should.

Prostate cancer is not so blessed with as glamorous an image as breast cancer.  How many of us for that matter even understand in entirety the function of the prostate?    I have to admit that while I knew its function in the reproductive tract, until I looked it up I did not know all the specifics.  I will leave it to you to explore more as we don’t need to go in depth or cause anybody to blush.  We are probably most familiar with the prostate as a problem in older men, when this donut shaped organ (fund raising ideas, anyone?) enlarges and causes urination problems.  While the prostate enjoys a degree of ambiguity, which is one cause of the issue not receiving the attention it should, problems and corrective actions can cause urinary and sexual dysfunction as well as death;  All subjects that should grab our attention.

Another  reason prostate cancer does not receive as much publicity is due to its non-aggressive nature.  It is one of the slowest growing cancers.  While it is the second most diagnosed cancer behind lung cancer, it is down at number five among most cancer fatalities in 2008 at 28, 660.  Still very significant, but with many men living for years with it, it does not seem nearly as sinister as many other cancers.

Prostate cancer currently lacks clear motives for dealing with it.

This brings up and leads into the point of this whole article.  The reason so many men live for years with prostate cancer is because it is so poorly understood!  Testing for it and catching it early is difficult.  In fact, a quote from the American Cancer Society’s website on early detection sums it up best:  “At this time, there are insufficient data to recommend for or against prostate cancer testing in men…”  Treatments at present can cause the aforementioned urinary and sexual side effects.  It is for these reasons and due to its slow growing nature that it is even being recommended in older men who have been diagnosed that nothing be done.

What we are looking at basically is a disease that needs a lot of study in order to better understand it and hopefully bring it better under control.  So is it receiving that?  Yes, there are a lot of studies and funding going towards prostate cancer, but breast cancer for years has been receiving more than twice as much for research, and it has been paying off.  A statement from The American Cancer Society:  “Death rates from breast cancer have steadily decreased in women since 1990, with larger decreases in women younger than 50 (a decrease of 3.3% per year) than in those 50 and older (2.0% per year).  The decrease in breast cancer death rates represents progress in both earlier detection and improved treatment.” I think we can logically conclude this is a result of breakthroughs brought on by research.

As can be seen, the number spent on breast cancer when compared to any other type is staggering.  While valid points have been raised as to why prostate doesn’t receive the attention that breast cancer does, we as men need to bite the bullet and put the bulk of the blame on where it mostly belongs:  squarely on us.

The main reason so much more money goes into researching Breast Cancer than Prostate Cancer.

Women are simply far more active than us in advocating for the issue.  They are donating money, they are arranging fund raisers, they are talking about the issue and they are marketing it.  Women have made the color pink ubiquitous with breast cancer.  Through ribbons, shirts, hats, commercials, organizations, we see the issue on television and on vehicle bumpers.  As a whole, women need to be deeply commended for the attention and resulting advances they have brought as a result to their cause.

In the meantime, when have you received an email from a fellow man organizing a Relay for Life cancer event?  Our apathy is ours solely to own.  While our prostate isn’t as marketable as the breast, 1 in 6 of us will get prostate cancer in our lifetime.  Moreover in the 31-40 age group, 1 in 12 of us will suffer from an enlarged prostate and 1 in 2 of us in the 51-60 group.  Shouldn’t we be motivated to raise money for research to better understand something that will most likely affect us at some point and something that is one of the top ten causes of fatalities in men?  Let’s start the ball rolling by visiting: www.prostatecancerfoundation.org where you can find out more information and DONATE!  Also, why not organize an event so we can begin to spearhead this issue together.