It goes without saying that relationships are work.  The initial euphoria of the beginning of the relationship soon dissipates into the reality of day to day life.  While our reality certainly has plenty of great moments, the familiarity and connection generated with our partner as a result of the time we have spent together can end up making us a little too comfortable; Specifically, we will eventually take each other for granted.

We live mostly in a stressful world, where both ourselves and our partners often work long hours, sometimes on different schedules.  Outside of weekends, if we are lucky, we probably only spend three or four exhausted hours together each night.  I think it fair to say that a majority of us spend these hours unwinding in front of the glow of some sort of screen, blissful to let our minds numb.  Whatever  it is, television, computer, or countless other personal entertainment mediums,  we probably spend more time in their company “existing” rather than actually being with our partners.  Throw children into that mix and, well, I think you can see where this is going.

Communication breakdown and boredom are two reasons that rank in the top ten for why couples end their relationships.  These are easily avoidable I feel by incorporating the following five guidelines into your every day life.

1.  Set Aside Time

This is the most important thing we need to do in order to have a healthy relationship.  It sounds nonsensical and thus would seem to go without saying, but how many of us have a designated time every day that we spend one-on-one time together with our partner with no distractions?!    These two emphasized points, talking daily without distraction, are key.  It does not need to be a huge commitment, as little as a half hour.  It can be over dinner, in bed before turning out the lights, or even just sitting together in each others company.  It cannot be while watching television or around anything else that does not allow us to focus entirely on each other.  The ability to communicate uninterrupted allows us to connect on a meaningful level, which is necessary in order to maintain and strengthen our relationship.

2.  Ask Questions

This is as simple as it sounds.  We need to ask each other pointed questions in our conversations.  “How was your day” is a good start, though generic.  Better is “How did your meeting go with the corporate sponsor” or “What did you think about your bosses reaction to your idea”?  This technique is important to utilize in all aspects of our life, not just with our partners.  Asking pointed questions are great ways to engage people, show them you are interested in what they are doing, makes them feel good that you are showing interest and, as a result, makes people more apt to open up and spark conversation.

3. Listen

The most under appreciated but necessary aspect in a relationship, and again in life in general, is to be able to listen.  Listening is not just hearing what your partner is saying, it is giving them your undivided attention while they are speaking, not glazing over, thinking about something else or what you are going to say next.  It is giving them the opportunity to completely state their thought without interruption.

Who among us hasn’t had the experience of being in the middle of a story, only to realize that the person we are talking to is not at all paying attention to us?  It is a deflating moment as we recognize that what may have been of important to us is not of interest to them.  Any lack of attention we may perceive from somebody we are talking to is going to discourage us from sharing anything further on the topic we are on.

Good listening leads to good conversations.  If we do not truly hear, process, and react to what is said to us, then it is difficult to have a dialogue.  We all have had incidents of people just “talking at us”, where no matter what we say they steer the “conversation” back to themselves or their agenda.  This is a universally unenjoyable experience, the polar opposite of what we want in a relationship, and something that should easily be avoided by utilizing good listening practices.

4.  Go On A Weekly Date

This doesn’t need to be as extravagant as the word date has the tendency to make it sound.  What it really entails is just getting out of the house. Being out somewhere frees you of the distractions talked about earlier that exist in our day to day home life.  It is an opportunity to do something fun together and should be a platform to utilize all of the other four steps in this article.

Taking our partner out on a date also makes them feel important.  It tells them we want to do something nice for them, we want time alone where we can focus solely on them.  If we have children that need a babysitter or other obligations that need to be dealt with in order for us to be able to schedule some time alone together, make the necessary arrangements.  This likewise emphasizes the point of making our partner and our time alone together feel important.

Pick a day out of the week for this date to occur and try to always stay with the same day .  This way it will become part of your normal routine, making it easier to plan around and more likely that you will always follow through on it.  Also, it will give you both something to look forward to each week as the day approaches.

5.  Be Spontaneous

Interpret this as you will into every aspect of your relationship.  The lack of this is the reason people get bored together.  As mentioned, we tend to take each other for granted far too often once we have settled into a long term relationship.  Doing things that aren’t expected: sending your partner flowers at work, surprising them with a weekend trip out of town, bringing them breakfast in bed, are examples.  Basically, treat them like we did when we first started dating!  I’m suggesting doing something on this order once a month on average will keep the relationship fresh and fun.  It will make your partner feel special, letting them know you are interested in them and invested in making them happy.

None of this is difficult or even time consuming.  It also does not need to be much of an expense either assuming you apply yourself creatively.  I believe being conscientious of the 5 categories discussed above - that’s it, just diligently thinking about them in your day to day interactions - will help you implement them as a result.  It will also over time become a natural habit and make you into a stronger and more involved individual within your relationship.